Calm acceptance of what is — my newest adage

There are plenty of good mental tools to help in dealing with stress.
Acceptance of what is, is the largest single strategy.
Paradoxically, the best way to prepare to act, and act successfully, fully, is to first accept and understand what is around and within you. What is the situation? What resources do you have?
In Hospital Care, nurses typically are asked to provide a SOAP assessment as a means of communicating their own process of formulating an objective plan of action:
Situation
Objective evaluation of what is happening
Affect: The emotional part of the situation, both the patients’ and our own.
Plan: What is the plan to heal, remediate, etc.?
Action, teamwork, can only follow the assessment and concensus among those involved.
Sometimes a discussion, refinement and agreement of the assessment of the situation with the people involved, including the patient, is a great first step.
And that can include an acknowledgment of one’s own situation: “I feel, I’m feeling…How are you feeling about this”?
So acceptance is part and parcel of actually acting vigorously and effectively. Acting vigorously, with full intentionality, full attention-ality and purpose, means engaging your conscious mind first.
What am I?
Well, let’s first understand what you are not:
I’m not this body, though I am in it.
I’m not these emotions, though I am experiencing them.
I’m not even this personality, though it is the identity I must work with and through.
I’m not the one who made all this, though I’m connected to it and in part I’m responding to it.
I’m not this job. I will live without it, as the situation demands.
I’m not this car, home, possession. I can and will live without it as the situation demands.
I’m not this family, though I am a member of it. I can and will live without it as the situation demands.
These things I’ve accomplished have transitory value, in the minds of others, fleeting.
Again, I’m not this body, though I live in it. I can and will live without it as the situation demands.
Each of these things…captial Things…is a source of pleasure to me. And anxiety. But my happiness comes from within only.
My happiness comes from within.
In this tiny moment of space and time I have a responsibility. What can I do with that?
I’m not my emotions. They are not of value of themselves.
But right action means all, and considering my emotions objectively is a crucial step to developing right action.
I’m not alone, ever. Superior help is always within. And may also be found around…hence the need to communicate what I see and feel, to engage others to share, to listen, to reflect, to hear what they are saying: who are my resources?
And who am I a resource to? What is my duty to help them?
Stress is just a flag for us to respond, not react.
And when we are at peace, because we have done our part, there is no peace like it. Denial is not the same peace as effective action. In Denial our conscience isn’t clear, we are just ignoring a part of ourselves, and in that we are splitting who we are into manageable pieces. That’s OK when things become overwhelming. But at some point we need to listen to ourselves, acknowledge, accept, forgive, and pull those pieces together again.

@ Spence
Humility, real humility, is the possession of material wealth, mental wealth and spiritual wealth, and seeing to it, that without hiding, it does not affect and or effect others.

“Acceptance”, that’s a mighty big word. Whew.
My dad’s reaction to the news of my brother’s death completely tore me apart. I always wanted to have kids but I didn’t for a number of reasons and that’s ok because I’ve had my nieces to raise. Their father is the one who got killed yesterday.
After witnessing my father’s pain, if someone told me that I could have a child that would bring me great joy for many years but would end up dying before me… honestly I think I’d say no thank you. No one should have to go through that.
But that brings us back Acceptance. My body refuses to accept food or anything other than milk. It’s a sign that I’m not accepting this situation. It’s like I won’t allow myself to feel any sort of peace until I’m 100% certain that he’s at peace. On some level I feel like I really failed him and I owe it to him to make sure he’s at peace. And yes, I recognize that sounds like all kinds of crazy. We can’t control those things. But still there’s this small voice in the back of my mind that won’t stop questioning that. I can’t let him be in pain. I just can’t… and hopefully that will change sooner than later. (Otherwise I think I might starve to death. 🙃)
Thanks for writing about acceptance—I’m going to do more reading about it.

J. Krishnamurti used to refer to ‘What Is’: Alan Watts used the term ‘This Is It’: Joko Beck wrote ‘Nothing Special’: in Chan they point to ‘Just This’ and ‘Being With’, all declaring from these apparently simple declarations that what is searched for is right here, right now – but of course over the centuries it has spawned millions of books, millions of organisations and religions and even more million beliefs, opinions and views.
In terms of what is called the spiritual quest, it seems that its human nature (in spite of statements as the above) to launch into one or more of the many spiritual quests or from habit, be content with the teachings of their particular cultures. It seems likely that to reach the position of seeing that ‘This Is It’ etc., for most, such a quest needs to be undertaken; a journeying away from the ‘What Is’ of life and self yet with the possibility of returning to the simplicity of being ‘Just This’.
I recall a Sufi account of a seeker who traveled around the near and middle east in search of teachers who could direct him to truth. They sent him to one teacher after another until one finally directed him to an address that was his own town and street – the prodigals return?

@ Ron
If the truth, whatever the content of that concept might be, can not be found, in your own land, city, street, house and body, it is not to be found, it is not existent.
Most people are like listeners to snake-oil sellers, they would never be interest in meditation, spirituality, religion or whatever, if they were not conditioned to know it as a concept based upon …HEARSAY.
These quests resulting from an artificial “calling” or “pull from within” must end by necessity in frustration.
From birth on, in order to learn the tools to participate in culture we are born in, the begin with language and concepts of the world, we are asked or forced or conditioned
to direct ourselves to the outerworld and to the EXPERTS, the holders of knowledge and power.
We so get used to it, that we forget our own purpose, natural purpose not cultural, that we look upon ourselfs as “darkness” “ignorance” etc and go out in the street of the world , where there is much light, although deep down we know, that the key to our personal life, was not lost there, cannot be found there, but where we lost it before we were lured to leave that natural house and go into the streets of culture.
No crow needs a teacher to be taught how to live as a natural being .. why should any living creature?! …. why on earth should a human be excluded from that rule?

Yesterday was unbearable. Last night I laid in bed thinking about Acceptance and tried to understand how that was even possible to achieve.
When someone dies it’s like they’re automatically elevated to Sainthood. People only talk about their good qualities and are usually reverent in remembering them because in the face of death and loss we have a stronger appreciation for the fragile and precious nature of life.
But then we start beating ourselves up and torturing ourselves with things like, “I should have done this and I should have taken the time to say this, and I shouldn’t have done or said that”. We waist or time with regrets at all the mistakes we believe we made in our relationship with that individual. News flash: it’s not humanly possible to not have regrets.
This is upside down thinking, because we only want to remember that individual in the best light, but we fill our minds with self destructive regrets.
It occurred to me very strongly that the biggest part of acceptance is forgiveness, or the concept of “forgiveness” because who has the power to forgive what is “unreal”.
My brother is not in a place where he’s dwelling on the mistakes I made or the mistakes anyone else made. We are celebrating his life and everything that was beautiful about it. Every gentle, loving and positive thought is part of Love. Every negative thought is the opposite of love. I can let go of all the useless and self destructive guilt and just focus on the blessings he brought into my life.
That’s acceptance—letting go of the “unreal”.
I woke up this morning in peace. My heart was no longer sinking. Sometime during the night I was able to accept, let go, and truly love the life that was my brother and every good thing he he did or said. I felt that he loved me and that wherever he is, he certainly doesn’t have time for regrets or unhappy thoughts. And I know he wants us to be happy.
There were a few other realizations that I had but I’ll keep them to myself.
I had a really good day. I know that sounds really strange but it really was a good day. We went to the cemetery where he’s going to be buried (we have plots reserved for the whole family 😂) and it’s so peaceful. It’s a beautiful small cemetery by a small stone church built before the civil war. And it’s surrounded by green rolling hills and horse farms.
Then we went to the place where we will be having the service. It’s a new kind of funeral home—more joyful. It has an area where the service will be held and then a large area where we will have a meal catered for any and all who are able to make it. We’re working on putting together a 150 picture slide show that they’ll display on multiple screens and it will be live streamed as well for those who can’t make it. The setting is a combination of comfortable, relaxed and reverent. It’s perfect.
Today was a Miracle. The heartache has been replaced by acceptance, true forgiveness in every sense and deep gratitude for the life that was my brother.
Thanks for all of your kind thoughts and wishes. 🙏
💗💗💗

Hi Um
You wrote
“Humility, real humility, is the possession of material wealth, mental wealth and spiritual wealth, and seeing to it, that without hiding, it does not affect and or effect others.”
Not sure I agree. We do effect and affect each other.
We are part and parcel of this. It would be nice to think that I have no responsibilities, but I do. And so debts must be payed, and payments received.
If we are placed in a team meeting and everyone insists that I have to give to the answers, that they expect this and are entitled to it, it’s all I can do not to do so and insist the answers must come from within, and authored by the team, though I am always happy to share what I know and encourage everyone to take this journey together with me. To take a deeper, more analytical and objective look at things. To be willing to try new things.
Because when I just blurt out the answers, that is the last thing anyone wants to hear. Those answers imply work, they reflect the cold reality that these folks aren’t were we need to be, because everyone thought Everton was fine, because they didn’t know that was actually happening, what they were actually doing. Everyone thought, in ignorance, they were great.
So I share what I know, the work of others, the successes of others I have witnessed, what the literature says about best practice. And the fact I’m in that room makes it difficult for the others. If only I had never entered that room. If only medical errors and waste had never happened. But they happened. They happen every day, and the only difference from one hospital to another is that some folks accept
1. What has happened.
2. Their responsibility to find a better way and make change, even if they can’t imagine or accept today what those changes will need to be.
Now you and others suggest that somehow, in spiritual matters, the situation is different?
No. Sorry. It isn’t.

@ Sonya: [ Every gentle, loving and positive thought is part of Love. ]
It’s a very memorable, resonant observation, Sonya and one of the
gems of Brian’s blog. Thank you.

@ Spence.
>> Humility, real humility, is the possession of material wealth, mental wealth and spiritual wealth, and seeing to it, that without hiding, it does not affect and or effect others<< There it says ... "without hiding it" ...and ...I did not differentiated between activities, spiritual or other wise. Humility, without hiding the wealth, does not impress.others, does not presses on others, does not make others feel other than they are, does not allow relative feelings and thoughts about one or the other arise, it does not addresses the person in any capacity. This form of humility, not the artificial one which generally goes by that name, has to be witnessed, experienced. Often not so easy as the attention is mostly for the full 100% on the issues at hand ... for example the team meeting. And there are not that much people that have developed it, mastered it ... hahahaha

Hi Um
I see your point to a degree.
Focus should always be on the goal, and then, current conditions relative to that ideal objective.
The most aggregious harm is considered fine when there is no hope of improvement. So hope itself can become an insult to folks.
“There is nothing more irritating than a good example.”
Mark Twain (Samuel Clemmons)
But so long as the notion that there is a better way, that is without harm, simply existing in that will create negative reactions, because to acknowldge it is to acknowldge that there is distance between where we are and where we could be, where we ought to be, and now there is the burden of responsibility to do something about it that didn’t exist before. Now there is pressure to act.
So, unfortunately, there is no way to honestly live without people having reactions. We can be guided to act with care and sensitivity, but act we must.

@ Spence
The point I was pointing the finger at the “moon” of humility. and the difference with artificial light.
It is related to the difference of yore, between Lao Zi and Congfu Zi.
In the world of Lao Zi, there was also a life to be lived, and things to be done to uphold that life but it was a different approach.
Lao Zi, warned humans against showing, parading their wealth, in wagons and on their bodies as that would create unrest between men and attrac robbers.
Indeed blessed are those that prevent their material, mental and spiritual wealth stand in between them and any other person, [hidding or preventing it to be seen] so that they might see one another, relate ro one another and are not diverted by that wealth

Heh, I find this curious philosophy of um’s, well, somewhat curious. I don’t remember having across this anywhere else, although that may merely be a function of the paucity of my own reading and knowledge base. Regardless, I think I’ve now understood um’s main philosophy, which is this:
>>>Every person has a certain nature (their own “dharma”, in the Pali/Buddhistic sense of the term), and their highest fulfillment lies in recognizing and fully actualizing that personal nature/dharma/potential; and this nature/dharma/potential is a very personal thing, and differs widely between person to person, so that there is little one person can to do guide another, unless by happenstance they share that inner intrinsic nature.<<< Is that right, um? Have I captured your essential philosophy correctly? Correct me please if I've ended up misunderstanding your POV --- which is what you've tried to express in many of your comments, many of those addressed to me, where you talk of losing and finding keys, all that, and also without that particular allusion.. Like I said, I don't remember coming across this specific way of looking at things before this, so my question to you, um, is: Have you come across this in some book, or maybe from someone, or is this your own personal realization/understanding distilled from life, your own personal formulation? ---------- Food for thought. At first blush I find lots of agree with in that philosophy; but also lots of things to disagree with. Rather than engaging with that sort of an analysis myself, at this time I choose merely to sit with the idea, let it percolate within me, just think about it. Meantime, sure, hearing others discuss this idea helps with that percolation, and that understanding. For instance, Spence, this idea of um's militates against, for instance, (this aspect of) your philosophy, it seems to me. Which I suppose is why the two of you, of late, are often at loggerheads (usually very gently, but still). Clearly you, for instance, do think that EVERYONE's inner nature is to be aligned with Shabd, and/or more generally with meditation and thoughtlessness, so that your exhortation and guidance-from-personal-experience about this seems to apply not just to those few who directly ask you and/or who share that "dharma" with you, but as a general prescription/formulation based on the general human condition. (I'm right in concluding that, right, Spence? Correct me please if I've ended up misunderstanding [that aspect of] your POV.) I'm enjoying seeing the two of your discuss your own personal POVs around this, across threads. I'm writing this comment now, firstly to make sure I correctly understand both your POVs (that is, your points of view around this aspect specifically); and secondly to bring to the attention of the both of you (and to whoever else might be interested, and/or might have something to contribute) this particular focus, in order, perhaps, to guide the discussion somewhat around that focus, should you both wish it that is. Because I'm interested in following both your trains of thought as far as this focus, on which it seems to me the two of you differ fundamentally.

“Calm acceptance of what is — my newest adage”
……….Great post, Brian. Lovely homily. (Using that term merely as a descriptor, and without any negative connotation, and absolutely without the slightest irony or sarcasm intended.)
Absolutely, calm, equipoise, is something worth cultivating, both for one’s own sanity and peace of mind, and also as a means of better functioning within the world. And agreed, such calm and equipoise has limited application if it stems from, and/or results in, a general withdrawal from life, in as much as such a course embraces only the former and not that latter: it would appear to be ‘better’ to have one’s equipoise embrace both ends rather than just the one. And finally, absolutely, a slowing down is what directly contributes to that equipoise, especially when one starts to find oneself overwhelmed with one’s reaction to what one sees and hears and experiences without, even if that means a (brief, temporary) withdrawal/respite from whatever it is one had been engaged with, agreed.
Great post, nicely formulated and spelled out.

@ AR
My goodness the universe doesn’t want me to give the answer I wrote down, laughing my heart out. I lost the whole answer. I am not going to reconstruct the answer but just will answer your questions shortly:
[1] Is you pali conclusion more or less right … yes, it is. Would not the seed of an oak, love to live in conditions that allow it to develop, and become an oak?
[2] As for the source. I do read from my own book … hahaha. Painters, at least some of that brotherhood, just gaze at an empty canvas, so long that they cannot longer handle the emptiness and have to paint. They have no intention. Intention is later ATTRIBUTED to them, by so called experts, but that intent was and is not theirs.
[3] I wrote in {1] about the conditions. Well, I had the great fortune to have the compagnie of many human beings, from which I came to understand, many things without them, teaching me. It remins me of Faqir chand about his students being his teachers.
[4] I am not in a dispute with Spence, I do put something before him and it is up to him whether he wants to look at it or not and how to digest it.
You see AR we are so bizy to learn to stand on our own feet that we forget to stand alone on our feet …or … we are so addicted to the light of the street that we refuse to enter our house, where we lost the key. Just have some coffee AR and ponder how you came to know what you know .. not WHAT … but HOW. From you early days you were lured outward to HEAR UPON OTHERS …THEY knew everything … and YOU … you have, like all of us been “brainwashed” to believe and accept that you cannot do without them. So here in this blog we always discuss OTHERS, what they do, what they say … like people watching a game played by OTHERS.
Please forgive me this last outburst

Hey, um. I don’t see any “outburst”. Your comment was simply the clarifications that I’d myself asked for, no more and no less — for which clarifications, thanks!
No no, I don’t mean that you and Spence are engaged in some “dispute” or feud or whatever. I mean merely that your (now clearly expressed) POV seems fundamentally different than, and the opposite of, Spence’s (implied) POV, when it comes to this particular aspect.
I’m interested in seeing you guys talk about this, if the both of you’d like to that is, rather than wading into this myself; but I’ll just point out that this philosophy (whether on your your side of the see-saw, or on Spence’s, or somewhere in between) is grounded ultimately on the truth value of the proposition, that individual human beings are indeed so very different from one another that the “dharma” of the one does not correlate with that of the other, generally speaking. Is that proposition actually true? That would seem to be the clinching issue.
I personally suspect the answer would be somewhere midway. But I guess this is something that can be settled objectively, at least in principle (even if figuring this out in practice may not be very easy, and might be based on some amount of subjectivity). Even if that were so, that still leaves the question kind of open on some specific question that we find ourselves looking at — this meditation business generally, for instance, which is what you’re discussing right now.
Anyway, let me not get all over this now, beyond just spelling out my meaning clearly. Absolutely, you raise a lovely and original insight here, um. Let’s see how it gets resolved, should Spence elect to join the discussion with you, on this specific aspect I mean, and take it onward to some kind of conclusion.

@ AR
When we use language, we use concepts.
Concepts are all sets and form together the set-theory
A concept or a set, is an “unique variation of the same”
In horizontal line it gives birth to the “10.000 things”.
In vertical line it ens up in One, the sameness of everything.
Some are interested in the “uniqueness” of the same and others in the “sameness or essence” itself. Some are interested in the diversity in the horizontal line and others in the vertical line.
The mount everest exists.
That mountain can be climbed.
Those that climbed it spoke about what the climbing did with them.
Some have become “masters”and teach others how to climb the everest.
BUT … that said
The mountain is not there to be climbed
Nor
Are humans here to climb the everest
To suggest that as the ultimate goal of life,
Is an evil of wealth.
Nothing special I have to say, as I am totaly ignorant about the purpose of this universe and everything containing in it … but .. I do know how to make coffee … hahaha

@ And Ar
If you see any meaning in what I write … it is all YOURS
If you start reading a novel and the first page speaks of an bench under an oak with croked branches, YOUR oak will appear before your minds eye, YOUR bench and croked branches.
You are nor reading from another persons book but YOUR book.

Hi AR
You wrote
“Clearly you, for instance, do think that EVERYONE’s inner nature is to be aligned with Shabd, and/or more generally with meditation and thoughtlessness, so that your exhortation and guidance-from-personal-experience about this seems to apply not just to those few who directly ask you and/or who share that “dharma” with you, but as a general prescription/formulation based on the general human condition. (I’m right in concluding that, right, Spence? Correct me please if I’ve ended up misunderstanding [that aspect of] your POV.)”
Yes, sort of. Who can know the destination at the very start of the journey? But whatever is there doesn’t change. It is the same. All roads lead to Rome, though they start from entirely different places, even appearing to move in opposite directions.
When the early astronomers saw the movement of the stars, moving backwards then forwards, they realized these apparent changes in direction were actually the result if the earth’s own movement, and concluded that we were moving also. The stars are not changing direction, moving forward then backwards. They are all, every one, moving forwards. But since we are also moving, we see them from a moving platform, our own journey, and in that view we see what is measurably moving forwards then turning and moving backwards. But we don’t see it objectively,
Everyone’s journey is an individual affair. Our different conditioning means we see reality through different filters. Filters that change all the time without our knowledge or consent.
Where Um and I are speaking from two different perspectives is really all about perspective.
From the highest possible point of view reality runs in absolute causality, so that every moment of every single leaf’s gentle and twisting path from branch to earth is prescripted from all the causal events behind that moment stretching back to creation itself, and connected with all things, including past and future.
From the human perspective nothing existed before this moment, nothing will ever exist after “now”, and we, in our limited view, are called upon, pressed or seduced to make decisions all on our own, however we recoil from that, and act, or react without our will’s permission.
In the former perspective, guidance may seem unnecessary.
In the latter it is part and parcel of how we function, seeking insight, inspiration and strength. In this latter perspective we view encouragement as not only helpful but essential.
In the former view teachers and encouragement appears superfluous at best and at worst a means of exploitation.
But in reference to that, I’m reminded of my three favorite aphorisms from Ambrose Bierce
1. The Gods grant the wishes of those they would destroy.
2. The bee robs the flower it seeds with life.
3. The Gardner prunes the tree to save it.

A King’s loyal servant, for no apparent reason, was thrown into a dark cell in the dungeon, with only a small window looking out upon the kingdom.
At first the servant thought it was all a joke, or some angry response from the King to his offering. But as days, weeks and years went by he began to resent what had happened and to renounce and hate the King.
In the meantime the King’s nation was invaded for a time and overtaken by forces supported by the King’s own family. The servant felt this was justice for what had happened to him. It helped him to accept his fate. He could see out the small window of his cell as enemies came and dragged away royal family members one by one, and listen as others gossiped as they scurried about. The servant couldn’t see or hear much, but enough to get his daily news of events, however limited the perspective.
Most of the members of the King’s court were publicly humiliated, and their careers destroyed. And this made the servant happy. Until one day it didn’t matter. The servant just remembered that he had sincerely loved the King and longed for those Halcyon days.
When all had settled, the King was still the King. And, actually, the Kingdom had grown quite a bit, as others regularly sought sanctuary from their own oppressive countries. And the servant, after some years, had come to peace with his situation.
On that exact day a prison guard passing by asked the servant why he stayed in his cell. The servant remarked that he had come to accept his fate, and anyway the lock prevented him from getting out.
Then the gaurd answered, “There is no lock on your cell, Sir, nor has there ever been one.”
The servant’s eyes grew wide. Then he just accepted this too. He was bullet proof now. He tried the door, in calm acceptance, and left the cell. Rather than flee to any of the other kingdoms the servant went outside for a breath of fresh air. After a lovely afternoon in the Mind’s gardens, the servant went to the King’s court.
The King sat alone on his thrown reading a book. He was older now, a little frailer, but still his King.
The servant approached, not proudly, but in peace and acceptance and without bowing stood before the King.
“Ah, Brian, right on time!”
The loyal servant asked, “Why did you throw me in prison, my King?”
The King replied, “It was the safest spot. You had more in you to move you along anyway. And here you are ready for our next adventure!”

The farmer breaks up the soil hardened by sun, heat, rain and cold into clay, with a steel bladed shovel, tilling, piercing it over and over, turning it upside down just so that the fresh seeds have a chance to take hold and grow. Preparing it for summer harvest.
The remodeler tears out a wall or an old ceiling, and cuts a hole in the roof for a new skylight, with a sharp saw, a claw hammer, ripping it apart, to build a larger, brighter and better living space.
The tailor must cut the cloth with sharp scissors to make the perfect suit.
Every act of creation is preceded with an element of destruction.
And we learn to understand and participate in creation by calm acceptance.

Before, say 1960, haedly anybody in the west had any knowledge of the existence, let alone understanding, of the eastern worldview and the mental techniques they developed in relation to that.
We also had no knowledge and most ly we do not know even to day, what the worldview was and is of the many indigenous people all over the world.
They have something in common:
They all ATTRIBUTE their world view to the inner experiences of their mystics
The “entities” that appeared in their inner experiences, told them that what was revealed to them was absolute … AND … universal.
If that entity had an existence of himself, beside the one that received, the revelation, what all believe and are convinced of, then he forgot to inform the rest of humaniy.
So we ended up with a few tales about the world etc exclusively and uniquely told to just ONE ….O N E …human being at a time and the rest, the majority, is swallowing the message as those that are bewitched by snake oil sellers, the hearsay in the third forth and god knows how many degrees.

Mystics ate encouraged to go within and discover their own reality, and invite others to share in that.
Hence there will be no end to the tales of mystics. It’s built into us.

The everest exists.
There are mountaineers
The everest can climbed.
Thaose that have climbed it might guide others.
BUT …
To suggest that the everest exists to be climbed
to suggest all are born to climb it.
To suggest others to do the same
and
offer them to help
Is an unforgivable evil.