There's nothing wrong with aspiring to be perfect. That's how athletes improve at their sport. That's how scientists improve at their research. That's how ordinary people improve at their relationships.
But there's a danger lurking in this aspiration: perfectionism. That's a serious psychological malady. It manifests when we are overly attached to the lure of being perfect, lacking the ability to understand that failure and flaws are what make us human.
The August 8, 2025 issue of The New Yorker has an article by Leslie Jamison, "The Pain of Perfectionism." It spoke to me because, like most people, I go overboard at times in trying to be perfect.
Download The Pain of Perfectionism | The New Yorker
My wife wishes this trying would involve not having stacks of magazines and books lying around our house. Unfortunately for her, hoping to never find typos in something I've written and shared publicly is one of my rather minor displays of perfectionism.
In my experience, being disciplined and organized is a far cry from perfectionism. That was part of the appeal of the Eastern religion that I followed for 35 years, Radha Soami Satsang Beas (RSSB). It offered structure to my life: daily meditation, vegetarian diet, abstinence from alcohol and illegal drugs, moral living.
I already was doing all of that before I was initiated by the RSSB guru. But belonging to an organization that espoused these practices helped me stick with what I had been doing. Not perfectly, but consistently. That was the positive side of RSSB. A negative side was the whole perfection thing.
A core tenet of the RSSB teachings was that the guru is a Perfect Living Master, God in Human Form. His disciples were supposed to aspire to that degree of perfection. Since reincarnation was a RSSB belief, that might not happen in this lifetime, but it was guaranteed in four lifetimes.
What held disciples back, according to the RSSB teachings, were our karmas and the Five Deadly Foes: lust, anger, greed, attachment, egotism. You know, normal human qualities.
Unfortunately, quite a few disciples failed to realize that these qualities were normal. So they engaged in a destructive perfectionism where they outwardly tried to look like they had gone beyond such crass personality attributes and were well on the way to achieving the perfection needed to return to God in the company of their Perfect Living Master.
The New Yorker article points out how some religions are unable to grasp that perfectionism can be dangerous. This example is of Confucianism, but I get the same feeling from traditional Buddhism, which has an even longer list of things to aspire to in the Eightfold Path: right view, right resolve, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right samadhi.
The rat race of American capitalism, with its ethos of competitive individualism, is fertile soil for perfectionism, but it has thrived in other cultural traditions, too. Flett told me about a graduate student from China who informed him that Confucianism requires perfection on as many as five different points: benevolence, righteousness, propriety, wisdom, and trustworthiness. When this student conducted research with Chinese schoolchildren about the pressure to be perfect, a group of Chinese teachers she presented her findings to told her that they’d never heard anyone even speculate that perfection could have a downside.
Many RSSB disciples were desperately seeking love from their guru, because they couldn't find love anywhere else. This is common among those suffering from perfectionism.
In many cases, a frustrated desire for parental acceptance has produced a tyrannical taskmaster driven by a false conditional: If I am perfect, then I’ll be loved.
During my 35 years I attended many meetings of RSSB members. Lots of those people were easy to be around. However, it wasn't uncommon to find RSSB initiates who acted robotically, afraid of spontaneity because, Oh no!, a bit of lust, anger, greed, attachment, or egotism might puncture the balloon of sanctimoniousness that they worked so hard to present to the world.
Once a patient surrenders the notion that being perfect is a viable solution, another problem can arise: the patient may become perfectionist about getting rid of her perfectionism. She may try to be an exemplary patient, never showing unregulated emotions and coming up with insights that demonstrate how readily she has internalized the message.
But exactly the opposite needs to happen: the patient needs to enact her struggle in the room, to be messy, irrational, resentful, out of control. Progress comes when the patient reveals her ugly imperfect side and learns that, as Hewitt puts it, “the therapist isn’t repulsed—the sky doesn’t fall.”
Hewitt can sense when a patient is letting her imperfect self into the room: she may preface whatever she says with phrases like “I’ve never said these words out loud before.”
The article ends on a positive note. What we really want isn't to be perfect, but to matter.
Flett has come to understand mattering as a counterpoint to perfectionism, a more viable way to arrive at a sense of self-worth. One doesn’t have to be perfect; one just has to matter to someone. Indeed, feeling invisible or undervalued—a feeling Flett calls “anti-mattering”—is often what fuels a perfectionist’s neurosis.
Flett’s first peer-reviewed paper on mattering, published in 2012, reported a significant correlation between anti-mattering and perfectionism among hundreds of university students. Perfectionism may arise as an attempt to overcome a sense of insignificance, but it’s a poor strategy, because each step toward perfection is a step away from distinctiveness, from the flawed, messy unrepeatability that we crave in others and want others to witness in us.
…Mattering grants everyone dignity, even as it brings with it a certain humility. In the course of a day, we all pivot between contexts in which we matter quite a bit (nursing the baby) and ones in which we hardly matter at all (just another commuter on a crowded subway car). This can produce a sense of whiplash, but we might think of that feeling as an invitation to find ourselves right-sized.
It can be a reprieve from the illusion that perfection was ever necessary, or even possible, and a reminder that we all matter, and also don’t—that both feelings are true and worth remembering.
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The dictionary states that: – “Perfectionism is the doctrine that the perfection of moral character constitutes the highest good.” This is indeed the view taken by many religions as Brian points out in his example of the RSSB teachings. All religions are supposed to follow a code of ethics and moral behaviour though history and current events around the world show that ethics will take a back seat when it comes to defending the national and religious psyche.
@ Brian. “The New Yorker article points out how some religions are unable to grasp that perfection-ism can be dangerous. This example is of Confucianism, but I get the same feeling from traditional Buddhism, which has an even longer list of things to aspire to in the Eightfold Path: right view, right resolve, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right samadhi.”
Yes, traditional Buddhism does hold the Eightfold Path as being a set of rules to be followed. The more enlightened Buddhist though will understand that the Eightfold Path follows on from the Four Noble Truths; – there is suffering, cause of suffering; end of suffering and the path to end suffering. The Eightfold Path is a guide to enable one to be aware that suffering is not inherent but rather arises from attachment, desire, and ignorance. The path, therefore, serves as a means to overcome these afflictions and attain realisation.
@ Flett – (from article.) “Flett has come to understand mattering as a counterpoint to perfectionism, a more viable way to arrive at a sense of self-worth. One doesn’t have to be perfect; one just has to matter to someone.”
There is a line to be drawn here also. Like perfectionism mattering will have its drawbacks though perhaps not so demanding as the ‘perfection of moral character constitutes the highest good.’ Mattering can lead one to copying or conforming to appear acceptable to others and being susceptible to various influences or influencers in order to get attention through being complete and correct. Both perfectionism and mattering seem to come down to self-worth.
Perhaps an understanding of who and what one is could better enable a person to adjust through being and acting to what is appropriate to oneself and life.
As per wikipedia Dzogchen mean ‘Great Perfection ”
Guys out there in Himalayas figured out what “perfection means.
This ois one point of contact in SM and Buddhist practices.
Please do not forget that those that reached perfection …did spend their whole life to attain it.
It is naïeve to think that they can stand as an example for others that are only prepared to invest “hobby” time.
Just read the memories of the Violin player Yehudy menuhin and his lament of the lost of childhood.
The daily hours of others spend in meditation etc.
Di not copy mountaineers that have conquered the Everest if you are exhausted at walking on the nearby hill.
If people would realise this they would not get lost in the stories of spiritual snake oil sellers.
Not that it does matter .. let everybody enjoy his way
AND … do not forget that those that were honest with themselves and had that inner calling .. GAVE UP .. EVERYRHING … that was near and dear to them.
Not that it was not dear to them but they were prepared to ..PAY the price
They settle down in mountain caves, forests and desserts so that they had no distraction and could focus on their goal
Listen to the lament of people asking questions .. questions to be relieved from the little things that are asked from them to practice
Now I do understand and appreciate the saying of the late MCS ..stay away from this path as long as you can, unless you get sick … and .. do not wander on this path because of what others have told you, family friends etc etc
Perfection is a mental concept. It can mean whatever you want it to. Perfect could just be ‘ perfectly suitable for me’.
It is by establishing a basis of comparison to a standard that the notion of perfection gains hold. If there is no visible difference between the standard and the performance, some judge that as perfect. But of course the standard could be a terrible standard, or a standard that has no actual basis in reality, except in someone’s imagination.
If a treatment is applied and it produces the desired result, some judge that medicine as perfect.
Where people get into trouble, as usual, is in their definition of perfection.
Of course, the mind is hopelessly flawed so we are in no condition to judge ‘perfection’ in any significant objective way, unless by an established standard that isn’t actually our invention. Otherwise, when we invent the criteria, there is no end to it, and nothing can be perfect then.
But anyone can learn to judge their own progress. That is just any movement at all forward from where you are, however tiny. And the success of a spiritual practice can then be seen, not in perfection, but in personal progress. How much progress is good enough? We are in no condition to know.
It’s real. And reality is always perfect. It is always what it is, even if we can’t understand it through our limited and flawed thinking.
The word Perfection becomes meaningless in the grip of a compulsive mind.
If a speaker reflects a truth that you readily understand, you may come to describe them as a perfect teacher of their subject.
Some presume that perfection means a performance or a result that has zero variation against any number of criteria, indeed any criteria they choose to put forth. That never exists in physical reality. Even, and perhaps especially, in a relationship.
So there is nothing wrong with perfection, so long as you understand that your standard is limited and flawed by your own limitations and flaws.
If you are unable to accept those limitations and flaws, that is an opportunity for personal exploration and growth. You may become perfect accepting yourself exactly as you are. And why perfect? Because you can’t be anything else. That’s perfect you.
On the path of spirituality, everything is built on a foundation of acceptance and submission.
If you cannot manage those two big steps, then you have your next challenge for personal growth.
In short, the problem with perfectionism not accepting someone or something else who isn’t perfect by our own definition. The problem is accepting ourselves as imperfect, including our thinking. But that is a great and noble place to be for two reasons: 1. It’s real, and 2. It’s a perfect place to be so long as we accept our role as students.
Why is reality perfect? Because reality, moment by moment, sets its own standard for truth, for what is real.
To live in reality, fully awake, is to live in perfection, and in truth.
And what is the price? Acceptance of reality as our teacher, and submission of all our flaws to her.
In RSSB perfect (living Master) is an early mistranslation for whole.
The big sale for me on the methods of rssb were that they are as old as man so I’d rather see one get it right than a million interpretations. Nowhere does perfection fit it. Perfectly fucked up maybe. It’s sometimes nice to be around others who think of living the way you would like to live and do ( vegetarian , law of karma , be in the world but not of it , etc.), but other than that modern satsang is useless. Perfectionism breeds jealousy. Some satsangis you can’t stand the thought of but when that satsangi is also the guru it’s a hindrance of the highest order. We’re having satsang eveytime we talk about the path, here there and everywhere. No need for bullying.