Top ten list for a psychologically rich life

In his book, Life in Three Dimensions, psychologist Shigehiro Oishi lays out in a convincing manner why the customary divisions of a good life into happiness and meaning fail to capture an important additional area: psychological richness. (See my first two posts about the book, here and here.)

This notion of psychological richness resonates with me. Most of us, certainly me included, can recall experiences that didn’t make us happy, nor were they meaningful, but they were interesting and important nonetheless. They added depth to our life, exposing us to a side of life that we hadn’t been aware of before.

Zen Master Henry Shukman shared a version of a Rumi poem by Coleman Barks in a guided meditation on his The Way app recently. “The Guest House” points in the direction of psychological richness, even though I don’t agree that our experiences are a guide from beyond.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Oshi ends his book with a Top Ten countdown list of ways to bring more psychological richness into our life.

#10. LIFE WITHOUT REGRETS: Later in life, people tend to regret the things they could have done but did not: taking a job offer, not moving to Boston when given the chance, not going back to school. It’s easy to come up with an excuse for inaction, but when faced with a question of “Should I stay or should I go?” ask yourself: “In ten years, would I regret if I stayed?” Remember, we may regret what we do in the short run, but in the long run, our biggest regrets come from what we didn’t do.

#9. FREEDOM OVER SECURITY: In an essay in The New York Times Magazine, poet Ada Calhoun recalls how her parents often told her growing up that “most choices could be boiled down to security or freedom, and that it was always better to choose freedom.” She followed her parents’ advice: she chose a job that allowed her more freedom, even though she hasn’t had job benefits in years, and she chose to have a baby despite having no childcare plan. She now feels that “there is no greater security than being out on the right limb, with the right voice in your head.” Ultimately, being able to choose freedom over security, possibly over responsibility, and challenge over ease is key to a psychologically rich life.

#8. DON’T BE A SPECIALIST: BE A GENERALIST: Most of us live in a highly specialized world with a meticulous division of labor. Professionally, specialization often leads to success. But too much specialization may lead us to miss the beauty of the forest for a tree. Stay curious in life, be a generalist, maybe even do it yourself once in a while!

#7. “TAKE A DOZEN”: Both pigeons and humans don’t explore enough. The comfort of familiarity is so powerfully attractive that we forget the joy of exploration, eating the same snack, going to the same chain, and sitting quietly on our commute. But acknowledge this bias and we can overcome it: the “take a dozen” heuristic reminds us to explore at least twelve potential mates, apartments, restaurants, etc., before we take our pick. We make a better decision when we explore more.

#6. FIND RICHNESS IN THE FAMILIAR: But if you are a Daniel Plainview (“I want to earn enough money, so I can get away from everyone”) or a Eugene Levy (“I really like familiarity”), you can find richness in the familiar. Revisit a favorite band, author, book, film, or person, and you will discover new in the old.

#5. DON’T BE AFRAID OF NEGATIVE EVENTS: Many of us fall into the happiness trap. We fear negative events, try to avoid them at all costs, and blame ourselves for our discontent. But it is a fact of life: bad things happen. It’s OK to fail; it’s OK to feel negative emotions. Remember Nietzsche: these challenges will make you wiser. Remember James Joyce: Per aspera ad astra — through hardship to the stars. This is all part of your story. Embrace the richness it brings and let your psychological immune system kick in.

#4. WRITE AND TELL: Richness is the accumulation of interesting stories. It’s important to remember them, and writing is an excellent way to do that. Telling a story is also a great way to remember. As you write and tell, you can edit your story. Keep the bad stuff but use it as a springboard for growth. Remember Hemingway’s moveable feast and find your own. Just as wealth can be transferred across generations and help the next generation become materially rich, your stories can be transferred to the next generation and help them become psychologically rich.

#3. BE SPONTANEOUS. We live in a highly scheduled time. Most of us need an appointment to hang out with our friends. Next time you are bored, text your friends to see if they are free. Deviate from routines from time to time. Be Alice in Alice in Wonderland! Seek the unknown. Stop by a gallery, a used bookstore, or a Goodwill store. You never know what you will find.

#2. BE PLAYFUL! We all have a lot of obligations, from doing the dishes to filing our taxes. When we are so focused on getting things done, many things — especially enjoyable experiences, like reading a novel — appear to be a waste of time. Yet it is in playful moments and when you are “on vacation from social and economic reality” that we may discover something unexpected, learn something new, and gain new insight into our goals. “Be open to be a fool!”

#1. JUST DO IT! Beyond important life decisions, a mindset of psychological richness can help us make small, everyday decisions, too. Should I go to a new exhibition or stay home? Should I go on a hike? If you are the type of person who likes to stay within your comfort zone, then I suggest you take a chance and try something new — just do it! On days when people do something new, they feel that the day is psychologically richer, as well as happier and more meaningful.