Sort of like a bank shot in pool/billiards, there’s reason to believe that the best way to become happy isn’t to try to make yourself happy, but other people. Then happiness likely will circle around and visit you through a back door.
This fits with something I failed to mention in my recent post, “After prostate surgery, I try to get some philosophical implications from the experience.”
Even though I wanted to have the surgery, as the date for it grew closer I had increasing worries about what could go wrong with it, including the prospect that it could make me worse off than I was now. I realized that the worries made little sense, but they still had sticking power in my mind.
What helped me the most was to remind myself that one reason I had gone to considerable time and trouble to be assessed for the surgery was that if I could have a successful TURP procedure, this would make life easier for my wife. Also me, of course.
But I found that the most effective way to feel better about the upcoming surgery was to view it as a way for my wife to be happier, since if I wasn’t so concerned about the functioning of my urinary system, traveling and going places with her would be more relaxing for both of us. Plus our daily life would include one less source of worry.
I was surprised by how simple it was to relieve my anxiety about the surgery. All I had to do was stop thinking about how it would affect me, and replace those thoughts with how the surgery could make my wife’s life more pleasant.
This made the surgery into an act of love for my wife, rather than something that could either benefit or harm me. Viewing the surgery that way caused it to become a husbandly duty rather than a personal pursuit. I mean, it still was a personal pursuit, and also something less self-centered.
Recently I came across a story in the Life section of the Portland Oregonian about a surprisingly simple approach to happiness which fit with my surgical experience.
It was a shorter version of an October 2025 piece in the Washington Post by columnist Dana Milbank: “A 6-year research project found a surprisingly simple route to happiness.” I’ll share a PDF document in case that gift link doesn’t work for you.
This happiness hack can guide you toward a life of purpose – The Washington Post
Excerpts:
We’ve been seeking happiness from a dizzying array of self-help methods involving mindfulness, self-care, self-compassion, perseverance, grit, resilience, passion, gratitude, joy, flow, personal boundaries, being intentional and more. Twenty-odd academic centers have sprung up with names such as the Happiness Lab, Human Flourishing Program and Science of Happiness Project.
But maybe we’re overthinking it. In these grim times, the most efficient path to living a contented life may be to put ourselves through the same simple exercise of thinking about our purpose and then taking a step — even a modest one — toward fulfilling it. It’s not a replacement for other mental health interventions, but the surest path to happiness for many of us could be as simple as this: Stop trying to be happy — and start figuring out how to make other people happy.
…Burrow’s findings aren’t yet peer reviewed and published, and there may be limits to his method. But the results are consistent with a growing body of evidence that focusing on purpose may be the most efficient way to achieve the flourishing we all seek.
“Let’s stop confusing humanity to think that it’s more difficult than it really is, and give them much clearer guidelines of how to do this,” says psychology professor Todd Kashdan, who runs the Well-Being Lab at George Mason University. “Maybe what we need to reduce all the difficulties internally that people have is … what Anthony’s doing, which is basically have people outward-focused on what do you want to do with your limited time today, this week, this month. And through that, you find yourself not obsessing so much about the chatter that’s going on between your ears.”
…In a sense, social science is confirming what the philosophers knew. Aristotle believed that the good life required living with purpose. Nietzsche wrote that “he who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
The 20th-century psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who believed that his sense of purpose helped him to survive Nazi concentration camps, wrote that happiness “cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself.”
…“So much of the pop psychology stuff is ‘focus on yourself, focus on your own personal growth, focus on your needs, focus on your self-care, focus on you, you, you,’” says psychologist Kendall Cotton Bronk of Claremont Graduate University. Instead, she argued, “the real path to happiness is focusing on others, on how you can contribute to others and their well-being. … What we need to be focusing on is contributing in meaningful ways, and often that will lead to the happiness that you’re seeking.”
…Kashdan says the best exercise is to ask yourself what “the world is missing” and then how you uniquely “fill that gap a little bit.” The specific purpose doesn’t matter; it’s just a question of “what lights you up.” Then commit to make a specific regular contribution — particularly time — toward that purpose and spend, say, 20 minutes every other day assessing your progress.
Burrow says his research suggests that the contribution we make toward fulfilling our purpose needn’t be “a major life-changing allocation of time or energy” but rather “things we can fit into our everyday routines.”
There’s no right or wrong purpose. It could be related to family or work or anything else that gives you meaning and helps you order your goals. It’s not necessarily altruistic (evil people can have purpose) but often is. Your purpose can change over time. You can have more than one; at various times, I think of my own purpose as caring for my family and friends, making people laugh, restoring the health of my land, and proselytizing for truth and reported journalism.
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You can really have a fulfilling life making yourself happy if you have a split personality and you’ve looked at life from both sides now. You can’t please everyone so you’ve got to satisfy yourself. I’m still amazed at the lack of depth Gurinder has. There’s no way in the world I’d want to be like him. There’s a big difference in making other people happy and just going along to get along like he does. He’ll never achieve perfection in this life or the next so perfection is not the end result of anything. And it’s not the answer.
Babaji will never achieve perfection in this life or the next. So the goal is not perfection and he is not even capable of it. He doesn’t make other people happy, he’s just going along to get along. He really needs that job. I’ve seldom known a more self-centered conceited little man full of Napoleon pride. It would be no bargain or nothing to be proud of to follow in his shoes. So much for India.
@ Ronald
When my dear late friend was still around, we loved to talk about the events related to Sant Mat, its teachings and its practioners in relation to the events of the world and how that fitted with the narrative as we understood it. ..in doing so we used a time line.
Many events that seemed to have no meaning by them self without context, appeared to have value and meaning when placed on that timeline against the background of the ever changing world.
It appeared to us that everything related to the outward expression of the path followed the movements of change in the world.
So, we were convinced that for example the late MCS could never have been the founder of this branch of Sant Mat, given his character and that those that first came into contact with Sant mat in the west could never have been able to be inspired by his predecessor the honorable Sardar Bhahadur Singh or even his own guru and grandfather.
You can wonder if the late MCS would be the guru these days and the successor of MGS, he would create such an greate following given his charismatic Character.
Is it not said that we all get the teachers, leaders, guides, presidents etc that we deserve?
Many of the things that have been an source of inspiration to the world After the WWII have disappeared or changed dramatically, things that had so much value and meaning for them.
The generations that came later, throw it away like dirty bath-water.
Just an simple example .. my friend was a gifted artisan painting Majolica. From all over Europe people came to where he lived to collect unica and had to pay quite some money for it … these days that same type of ceramics, can be found in secondhand stores and many of the production companies of this handcraft have been forced to close their doors.
What to say about Indian art and craft. We had huge shops specialized in Indian [spiritual] literature and artefacts. Regularly broadcastings on tv and radio of great Indian classical musicians etc etc…..it is all gone
etc etc Ronald …whatever was valued in the past and had meaning is all gone.
Society and culture has changed and so dit Sant Mat
Drinking our coffee we would compare that change with what was to be seen in the movie “the last emperor” showing how the charismatic colourful feudal rule of china was replaced by by the communist party all dressed in green uniforms, living by the rules etc.
As we were not that much related to the environment and were able to live our lives as we deemed personally fit we did not suffer from those changes
We lived in a world that was not ours .. due to upbringing and character we depended on ourselves, having no need to look to what others did or did not. Both our fathers were not impressed by authorities wearing this or that mantle of power. We were tought to see the difference between the person wearing the mantle and the mantle of power itself.
Breaking down an institution because of the behavior of the person(s) wearing the mantle of power, by revolution might not bring something better ..have a look in China.
Yes they have, all the material stuff they longed for but at the cost of what!!!
Mcs took with him in the grave whatever was pleasurable.
HE … nor his successor is to blame …time for coffee
@ Ronald
Just read on the internet that the president of the Uniste States, compared his predecessor and his partner with apes.
It made me think of what I wrote before , that every one gets the rulers they deserve ..after all President Trimp was voted by the american people.
The question is WHY…WHY….WHY!
The thought did arise that the masses did not want to live the live or were not able or willing to do so, that other presidents did ask from their citizens.
As one said ..do not ask what the government, the president can do for you, ask yourself what you can do for your country.
People will soon discover that now they are not willing to invest of themselves out of free will, out of love and devotion for the welfare of their land … they will be forced .. forced as is now done in the different totalitarian nations.
And …
The late MCS often would say : “it is all in HIS hands” etc.
That has been used by many to sit back, relax and stop doing their own thing… making themselves believe that HE would look after their welfare.
Well the answer to them came quick in the form of MGS that took away all these sweets … by .. just stating that whatever you do is your own business, guru is not there for you to serve you … hahaha …. and no, guru is not coming when you die … hahaha
Was their anything wrong with what any of them said .. no not at all .. if you delve into the psychology of the narrative.
It is all about the mind.
The functional part remains the same as the hardware of the PC
but the software can be changed
The whole thing about Sant mat is about the path, the vehicle to move on that path, the sound, and its goal
The mind is there like the body, the senses etc to survive here and it will always resist any effort to divert the attention away from what it was created for.
So the teaching will move with the changes in society and culture.
anyway ..I have to go now.
My opinions are all from personal experience with the path and with the Masters. The books are great but maybe that’s why Gurinder said to burn them. He himself has done away with suggesting two and a half hours of meditation in this modern world. I told him to his face everything I’m saying so I’m not talking behind anyone’s back. He doesn’t like Americans he said on a personal note and many American satsangis don’t like the Indians. And if you ever go to a meeting nowadays they have them separated just about . It’s ridiculous ,it didn’t have to be this way. I told him that too.
@ Ronald
>>My opinions are all from personal experience with the path and with the Masters. <<
That is how I read and understand what you write here.
What I write, is coming from my own book, and what is in that book is based upon my experience, and understanding of everything related to Sant Mat.
Different people, have different digesting systems, both physical, mental and spiritual. … and that is how it is.
For my appreciation I had quite an long correspondence with MCS … In one of his letters, he wrote me: "please do not get emotionally involved in these ties or the persons involved but do your duties as [ he than named all the roles I had in the time]
In those days I could not always handle this kind of answers but over time I came to see the deep truth of what he intended to say.
@ Ronald
Let me explain here for you and others how I appreciate facts:
The storie goes that there was a dead cow laying somewhere around in the Dera. During the evening session somebody did put that before MCS. and he just denied it.
For some people that was a shock .. how could he, bein all knowing, say such a thing …maybe there is something wrong with him as Master etc.
If such a thing would happen to me, my reaction would be .. If he says that there are no dead cows in the Dera than there are none … but that is not what i See, I see a dead cow ..upon which I would walk away and have coffee never taking part in discussion where people would argue his words.
It is in my karakters to react that way but it was strengthend during my lengthy stays in the dera listening to what he had to say …AND .. how I understood it. …. he always advised people not to go beyond their powers, make greater steps than they were able to at the moment.
So if you had problems in looking upon masters as embodiment of the divine, don’t do it, if you can not see him as a master, not knowing what it is all about, don’t do it but having experience with having friends look upon him in that capacity for the time being, no problem.
Satsang, seva etc etc if it is a burden, and not a help don’t do stay away and go on doing your practice at home alone.
After all after initiation, you need not to communicate with anybody about what you are doing, you need not to go anywhere.
But that is not what most like … they like to socialize, see and be seen.
Nobody came to the path for the sake of the congregation but for their own good and if that is no longer within ones reach .. go away and rest in peace.
Agreed. Legacy of Love is a fantastic picture book. Hard back. There will never be a book like that about Gurinder. He said that , I didn’t. Anyway who needs books with the internet? He’s all over the internet now. I’m going back to books and in fact I’m reading one now about Joni Mitchell called Reckless Daughter. You might not know it from my comments but I’m as happy as can be.
Helping other people? That sounds like seva, and implies a lack of human dignity.
The ultimate seva is to be the master but that wasn’t good enough for babaji so he had to have a side hustle to actually make some money and use his position to squander his spirituality on money-grabbing ventures, whether they be legal or not. But he could be the biggest criminal in the Punjab (he said that, I didn’t).
Maybe Ronald, seen from within the narrative, what he did is ..”quite up to the mark” .. who knows.
All teachers that have ever existed had to face the pressure of their followers and others to change the teaching according their wishes, to adapt to the ideas of world and behave as they deem fit. … the world wants a perfect master..THEIR master.
Why do people want another human being to be PERFECT according their liking .. why? .. WHY do they want that?
Why not just live their own life according their own morals?
How are others needed.
I do not understand that ..that strange preoccupation with what others do at the cost of their own development and joy.
@ Ronald
>> You might not know it from my comments but I’m as happy as can be.<<
I am a coffee drinker not a clairvoyant.
People that are happy are the servants in this dark world shine some light around them.
Working for other people can also make you miserable.
The formula for happiness is only found within you. But along the way you may see that you are just working for your mind, for your personality and for your body.
You are already working for others who only want to take, and not to give.
So adding more bosses to the list is just a formula for becoming more miserable.
But if you get in touch with your true self, not your personality, nor your body, not your desires and addictions and habits, then you may find that other people really do exist. And they could use some help.
But if you bring to them your idea of helping expect a harsh reaction, because you are only helping yourself.
Put yourself aside if you want to really be of help to anyone else.
And for that there is no substitute for finding that one person or thing you love more than yourself.
Surrender to them first of all. Then serving others will be a breeze. Then you aren’t serving yourself because you have disappeared into the one you love. Then they do the work. And then there is no you or I, giving or taking. There is just the one you love and the work. Which is their work.
@ Spence
How strange reading your words to realize that the teachers that I have met and also the psychotherapists etc, defend them selves against that pressure from others to be a “Helper”.
Haha .. it reminds of how clever they are in avoiding that their devotees try to plant an hook in them and rail them in.
Whether they are or were masters in the sense as most people believe it to be, they had certainly mastered the game of remaining free from the “mental grabbing hands” …in that respect they are great masters, and many a counselor and therapist can learn from their example hahahaha ….completely covered in mental oil …you cannot grab them …. hajhahaha.
And … on a personal note … if you understand and accept that, they can be good company, good to talk to or write letters,
Hi Um
Anyone who accepts your love is worthy of it. They become worthy of it through that love. That love becomes their boss and it changes them, if they are obedient to it. Otherwise it isn’t real love.
To want, to wish to possess and own, even to be jealous, this isn’t love at all. That would be desire, addiction, not love.
And anyone who will not accept your sincere love is unworthy of it.
When you accept the love of your Master you may be unworthy of it, but by accepting it, accepting the duty inherent in that love, then you become worthy of it. The love becomes your boss.
As for these other public personalities you speak of, their authority, status and income depends upon the love they are receiving. Their attitude about it changes nothing. They may cleverly tell themselves they have no connection or obligations. But it isn’t true, and do it isn’t very clever.
They are still obliged to the people they have used to create and sustain their public persona. It is their delusion to believe they can be free of all that karma. They cannot.
Some people are natural Born Killers and some people are just natural born entertainers and that’s what they do , they make other people happy, they do it for a living and they do it cuz it comes natural. Do what comes natural.Sawan Singh said that, I didn’t. This is the path of love and you can’t help but to follow your own nature and don’t go against it. I’m not blaming babaji or shaming him, I’m just saying what he is. Guru or not. I wanted to believe the hype more than anyone and he soon cured me of that!
@ Spence
It was not possible for me to link your answer to what I wrote before.
Moreover , I stated here several times, that I know how words like god and love are written, and what the common linguistic use of the concept is, but that is all …
Reason for me not to use these words and most of the time I do not understand what people, especial Satsangis, are talking about.
Sometimes I imagine to catch a faint glimp of what it might be when reading biografies of people like Kodo Sawaki but remarkable they all never use the word … love.
Not to speak about the poems written by exalted mystics ..these are like impenetrable bunkers …
@ Ronald
What things are by themselves, I have no idea, I have nothing but my thoughts and feelings.
I even do not know if these feelings and thoughts are an mirror or not and if they are a mirror whether that mirror is clean and perfect.
Reason for me to use this credo:
Things are whet they are
seldom what they look like
let alone how the are presented or made to be seen.
I do understand that these are all things related to the mind.
It’s quite natural to make others happy; in fact, we humans, like many other social animals, have a strong propensity toward altruism – basically, it’s a survival thing. We do, though, tend to conflate biological altruism with mind stuff, mixing it up with our particular social constructions such as duty, morality, compassion, love, etc.
Not that there’s anything wrong with such concepts (basically), but we don’t need to raise such feelings and emotions on a pedestal. As I say, they are quite natural and essential to everyone’s biological and, for us social animals, our complex social fabric.
And yes, to live as near as we can to some sort of harmony with our natures obviously benefits ourselves and others.