Posted inHumor

Flying Spaghetti Monster gaining religious credibility

It's good to see that Pastafarianism, the glorious revelation of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, is back in the news. I was an early embracer of this alternative to both evolution and intelligent design, praising this witty rebuke to creationism several years ago. And supporting the cause by buying a Kansas Museum of Science t-shirt. Bobby Henderson is the prophet through whom the Flying Spaghetti Monster (blessed be His Noodly Appendage) speaks. His open letter to the Kansas School Board first revealed the gospel of Pastafarianism to a spaghetti-starved world. I'm proud that Henderson is a recent physics…
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Posted inHumor

Online confessions – ideal for the churchless

Say you're a lapsed Catholic. You haven't seen the inside of a church since Pope what's-his-name was in office. Long ago you forgot the difference between a venial and a mortal sin, but you're pretty sure you've committed bunches of each. You enjoy being faithless. But deep in your sin-drenched soul there's a longing you're barely willing to admit to yourself, it's so incongruous with the rest of your current debauched lifestyle. The confession booth. Ah, those were the days. My own days date back to when I was ten, or thereabouts. I remember my first communion, which included, I'm…
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Posted inHumor

Puppetji gives a YouTube socksang

When a puppet on YouTube makes just about as much sense as any spiritual book I've read, or any mystical guru I've heard, that says a lot. About what, I've got no idea. But whatever it is, The Truth According to Puppetji vaguely gestures in its direction, insofar as a puppet with arms stuck to rods is able. I browsed through several of Puppetji's video socksangs. The first one I saw, the most recent, was my favorite. "Puppetji vs. The Secret." No contest, really. Puppetji wins. And it won't cost you $29.95 to learn his take on The Truth. You…
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Posted inHumor

Demotivation heals my overly positive soul

After watching "The Secret," which urged me to frolic in an orgy of positivity, I felt unbalanced. So I prescribed myself fifteen minutes of negative rehab and headed over to Despair, Inc. for some demotivation. Reading the slogan on The Pessimist's Mug got me started on the road of recovery: "This glass is now half empty." Ah, truth simply spoken. I was sorry that, being retired, I didn't have any employee morale to crush, as "The Art of Demotivation" looked like an appealing book. What really got me back to feeling my normal uninspired self, though, was a terrific line…
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Posted inHumor Taoism/Tai Chi

Comic strip and a Chinese sage both say: “Do it!”

When in doubt, don’t doubt. Unless you’re sure you want to doubt. Then doubt ferociously. Life is meant to be lived full throttle. Which can mean being absolutely still. Or, rocketing across the salt flats. Turning to one of my favorite sources of inspiration, Funny Times, I came across this “Maxine” comic in the February 2007 issue. My heart said, yes. (click on the image to enlarge) Confusion, indecision, uncertainty: that’s part of life. But we magnify that part when we fail to recognize what we already know. In the sphere of spirituality, that counts for a lot. Indeed, it…
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Posted inHumor

Blasphemy Challenge video proof

Today I denied the Holy Spirit on camera and uploaded the video to YouTube. I now qualify for both a free DVD and eternal damnation, per my previous post. Hope my afternoon is equally productive. I considered filming another take of my blasphemy, but figured that if you’re going to deny the Holy Spirit, it should be spontaneous. (And you should bring your stuffed animal along with you.) See:
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Posted inHumor

Stephen Colbert’s Ecu-Menace sermon

Today I’m going to let one of my favorite Wise Men, Stephen Colbert, do the speaking on the Church of the Churchless. Below you’ll find a transcription of the “Word” segment on Tuesday’s The Colbert Report. I enjoyed it so much, this afternoon I hauled my laptop up to a TV table and diligently playbacked my way through Colbert’s profoundly humorous religious observations. I even managed to spell Manuel Paleologus correctly. I hope. If you’d prefer to see and hear Colbert rather than read him, broadband your way over to the Comedy Central MotherLoad site (have patience, the clip takes…
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Posted inGod Humor

Proofs that God exists

Well, it’s hard to argue with over three hundred proofs of God’s existence. Guess I’m going to have to become a believer. Oh, darn. By mistake I clicked the next link down on the Atheists of Silicon Valley “Humor” page. Now I know there are about an equal number of disproofs of God’s existence. Now I’m confused. Got to get my faith back. I went down the proofs list and found a bunch that made beautiful sense to me. Especially after drinking a bottle of wine and watching Fox News for an hour. Once my incredulity neurons were stupefied, it…
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Posted inHumor

Get your Armor of God PJs

It must be a sign from God. Two days after my Tai Chi buddy Eric tells me about the Armor of God PJs, I watch Bill Maher’s HBO show and praise the Lord!, I see them again. The message was clear: Rush to armorofgodpjs.com and order a pair. I don’t wear pajamas, but hey, if God tells me to jump, I’ll come down with both feet inside those silky-looking bottoms. Sadly, I was crushed to learn that all they have are boys and girls sizes. But the website says that Armor of God blankets are coming soon. I can hardly…
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Posted inBooks Humor

Take your dose of Daily Afflictions

You’ve got to love a self-help book that advises, “It’s not whether I arrive; it’s how I lose my way.” Along with, “My life is worthless, but it’s mine.” And, “The future is full of possibilities that I must shoot in the head.” In this world of organic antioxidant green tea, Andrew Boyd’s Daily Afflictions is a refreshing blast of lukewarm stale coffee. With a cigarette butt on the bottom. The back cover warns what awaits the reader: In Daily Afflictions, affirmational bromides become Boyd’s Trojan horse—for a Nietzschean text of dark truths and painfully hard-won wisdom. Attractively designed for…
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Posted inHumor Personal/Stories

I establish a new religion, Galobet. Believe!

A few days ago I had a revelation. Galobet spoke to me. That’s the true name of God. I’m sure of that, because the God who wants us to know him as Galobet told me. So my advice is: believe! Unless you don’t want to. In that case, I’m not responsible for how Galobet responds. You’ve been warned. Here’s the story of my revelation. It will undoubtedly be told throughout the ages. Or at least as long as my TypePad blog account is paid up. I begin with the first of a series of miraculous occurrences. LifeSource Natural Foods had…
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Posted inHumor Religions

Kissing Hank’s ass, the essence of religion

I never realized how much religion was like kissing Hank’s ass until, not surprisingly, I read “Kissing Hank’s Ass.” What a revelation! Every Church of the Churchless visitor should read it also. If you don’t, Hank will kick your ass. I guarantee it. Hank told me so. Well, not Hank exactly. But the thought, If you don’t, Hank will kick your ass, just came into my mind, and I sincerely believe that it came directly from Hank. You’ll just have to trust me on that. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the good news. If you do kiss Hank’s ass,…
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Posted inHumor

Unusual churches. We’re one of them!

Today I stumbled onto Unusual Churches, which just added this here Church of the Churchless to its list of “weird, wacky, and funny churches one can find on the Internet.” Hey! We’re not weird, wacky, or funny (well, maybe a little). This blog makes perfect sense, and to back that statement up I have endorsements on file from some wise people who know what they’re talking about. Namely, Me, Myself, and I. I took a look at some of the many unusual churches listed on the site’s sidebar. I trusted that God was guiding my mouse-clicking and would lead me…
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Posted inHumor Religions

Prize for proof of superior religion

Do you believe that your religion is The One, the most fabulous faith in the whole wide world? Do you have a convincing reason why your belief should be believed? If so, you’re on the inside track to winning 25,000 yen, courtesy of The Huge Entity’s “Can You Prove Religious Superiority?” competition. Now, before you get all excited about the new car you’re going to be able to buy, I should point out that according to the XE.com currency converter your prize will be a not-so-huge $207.51. But, hey, that would buy a bunch of Bibles, Torahs, Korans, Dhammapadas, Adi…
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Posted inHumor Religions

Become a religion of one

Most people belong to a religion with many members. There are about two billion Christians in the world, over a billion Muslims, and nearly a billion Hindus. Sure, company is nice, but here are some reasons to become a religion of one: --You can hold a worship service whenever and wherever you want. Your church just needs to be as big as you are. --No contentious arguments about leadership. Any jockeying for power in your religious organization will be between you and you. --Doctrinal disputes are easily resolved. What you say, goes. --If you’ve ever wanted to be known as…
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Posted inHumor Personal/Stories

Search for self called off

Someone up there (or down there) is trying to tell me something. This great satirical piece on The Onion, “Search for Self Called Off After 38 Years,” almost exactly echoes what some friends and I were talking about last night. Cosmic. I told them that when I peruse my extensive personal library, searching for some spiritual inspiration, usually the only books I can stand to read have Buddhist, Zen, or Taoist themes. All the rest seem too damn dogmatic now. Buddhists and Taoists don’t waste much energy searching for a true self because they don’t believe that it exists. At…
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Posted inHumor Science

A witty rebuke to creationism

Don’t miss this great “Open Letter to Kansas School Board” that demands equal teaching time for the theory that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. The letter’s author, Bobby Henderson, presents persuasive evidence to support his argument that, if Intelligent Design is an alternative scientific theory to Evolution, then so is the Flying Spaghetti Monster theory. What Henderson demands is “one third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.” I enjoyed this Open Letter a lot. A good way to combat…
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Posted inHumor

I announce my impending satori

Over on my other weblog, HinesSight, I’ve announced the inevitability of my impending satori (which may even have already arrived) along with the homey koans by which enlightenment will be achieved. I’ll be sure to let you know when it is appropriate to send me a “Congratulations on your Satori!” card. You might want to start looking in your Hallmark store so you have one on hand.
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Posted inHumor Reality

Secret of the universe

Wow! Today I discovered that, according to Google, I’m really close to the #1 “secret of universe.” At the moment (Google is whimsical in its rankings), I’ve got the #2 secret. Which is: Whatever is going to happen is what has to happen (Sorry to disappoint you if you were hoping for something else.) Take a look at #1 if you want a more profound answer. I really enjoyed “Secret Worlds: The Universe Within” (and also, without). With my slow Internet connection it took me a while to download the top-ranked secret, but it was worth it. I only wish…
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Posted inChristianity/Jesus Humor

Helping out the Second Coming

Yesterday I made some tongue-in-cheek recommendations on my other weblog about how to speed up the Second Coming. According to a “Christ is Coming Very Soon!” ad in our local newspaper, plummeting morality, explosion of travel and education, explosion of cults and the occult, and the New World Order are all evidence that Jesus’ return is right around the corner. So I concluded that whatever we can do to advance immorality, travel, education, non-Christian counterfeit spirituality, and the United Nations will help bring about the Second Coming. Logically this makes sense to me, just as I’ve always thought that if…
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